When did I get old?...............................

Last Friday I made plans to have a girl’s night out with some gals from work. In my world, girls night out after work is a pub where I can sit my a$$ down and do not have to stand, there is no music thumping  or flashing lights hindering my ability to speak and think, and I get to have a glass of wine or two and go home to my comfy bed.

I forgot that I was going out with people who were younger than me……

Happily, we did get to go to a place where I could sit down and I had a drink and something to eat and I was having a good time chatting and enjoying the atmosphere. I noticed however that for the one glass of wine I had, the youngling’s had about two beers that had a fancy name that I cannot remember-and shots…they all were doing shots. Once you get to a certain age my friends-those will make you awfully sick…..

They did not appear to be sloppy or otherwise extremely impaired but they were drinking awfully fast. I had forgotten that when you are that age-the more the merrier. I met so many people who I have NO idea who they are or what their names even were.

I had also forgotten that back in the day sometimes it’s easier to just take the total tab and divide it by the number of people. I do not know how that seemed logical to me at the time; maybe because everyone drank the same thing at the same pace? But on this particular evening it did not seem all that logical for me to pay $75 for 4 drinks-1 of which I gave away. So, being an apparently old stick in the mud, I voiced my opinion of this and then paid my fair share. I’m not sure if the youngling’s thought I was rude or not, but happily, part of being “old” is that I do not care J

I ended up staying at a friend’s place after a cab dropped us off. (Safety first) and as much fun as I had with her and appreciated the offer, it was kind of difficult to sleep someplace other than my own house. I then thought back to when I was in my 20’s and after a night of debauchery, you just laid your head wherever there was room no matter how well you knew the person. That then led to the thought “Oh my God, do people realize how dangerous that is?” Followed by “Yep, I’m sooo old”

Anyway, after a somewhat short but refreshing sleep I woke up and drove my friend back to her car and went home. I thought to myself “I’m kind of tired, so maybe I’ll just have a bit of a siesta” Cuddled up on my couch, turned on my tv and waited to fall asleep….and waited…..and waited some more. Then I got a back cramp from lying there and had to get up and do something. “Definitely old”

I can admit, sometimes I don’t understand why buying a new set of knives that are so sharp makes me thrilled beyond belief, or that staying home on a Saturday night organizing kitchen cupboards is extremely satisfying-because I feel like deep down I should be “fighting” the old and being out and about and young and carefree for as long as I can.

Then I stop and think “Well hell no, I don’t think I actually want that at all” Being young and insecure and unsure of your place in the world, not knowing what you want or thinking you want something you really don’t. Doing things you can’t explain other than “I thought it was a good idea at the time” Being uncomfortable in your own skin as you struggle to find out who you are. No thanks! I went through it once; I do not care to do it again.

Sure, it sucks to have the responsibilities that come along with aging-bills to pay, less time for yourself, your body begins to turn on you (that hasn’t quite happened to me yet-but I’m sure any day now….)but the tradeoff is actually beginning to look ok to me.

I know what I want out of life-I have my goals and my ambitions and I don’t need anybody’s approval to do things or not do things. For a long time, even up until very recently I had so much pressure on myself to meet certain milestones by a certain age, just because some of my peers had. Once I realized though, that the pressure was coming purely from me, I just relaxed and let it all go. Right now, no-I don’t want a husband and kids and a minivan and to take someone to soccer practice. Am I allowed to change my mind in 3 months, a year, two years? Absolutely! For now though, I like things exactly as they are. That is something that I would have never admitted in my 20’s.

I recently had a conversation with an old friend, and he said he’s just looking for “the one” and wants a family and to settle down. He is in his mid-20’s and it’s so sad to see in him what I went through myself. Soooo afraid to be alone, terrified if you don’t find someone right now this absolute minute you never will and that there is a time limit on your happy ending. He’s trying to find the “one” through sheer quantity and I wish I could get him to see what took me so long to figure out myself-the more you grasp at something and fear you will never get it, you never will. You will choke the life right out of it. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I wish I had learned it 10 years ago.

I had heard for a long time that when you’re in your 30’s you will probably feel about as comfortable with yourself as you ever will as things start to level out. And I’m happy to say so far, it’s turning out to be true!

I’m looking forward to the rest of my journey.