“Dieting” is hard……

I always knew I’d write about this again at some point, because I feel deep down that if I’m making a “sacrifice” of some kind the world needs to know about it. That and I think I’m just a complainy complainerson J

*I’d like to say before you continue reading that I went back and forth over posting this. I don’t want anyone to think that the tone of it is sad and pitiful, or that I’m looking for congrats or kudos. It’s merely a narrative of my own journey, and I believe laughing about previously painful moments means you’re really healed*

As I have mentioned before, I lost around 40 pounds a year or so ago and so far it’s not been terribly difficult to keep off. I try my best to eat healthy and at least try to exercise (I’m not sure if yoga counts as exercise or not?) But it doesn’t mean that I’m not tempted a LOT of the times. But, it’s a lot better now than it used to be.

When I was a kid, my mother was the health food nazi. A treat for me was when dad had his nightly bowl of either Captain Crunch or Fruit loops and sometimes, just sometimes, I was allowed to have some. Since we lived on a farm, things like McDonalds etc were a rare occurrence. And obviously there was the occasional pizza, chicken and fries night etc. But generally speaking I was pretty healthy. I even was on the no carb kick before it was popular. I hated having buns with hot dogs or hamburgers and preferred to eat the innards of a sandwich without the bread. I remember my mom yelling speaking to me softly “You put that on some bread!”

Then when I was 13 we moved to St. Albert. There were vending machines at school, and a fast food restaurant or convenience store on every corner. Since my mom couldn’t and didn’t think she needed to monitor me at the age of 13, a lot of my money went to chocolate bars, cookies etc. I loves me some cookies….and brownies!!!- Basically sugar and chocolate wrapped in butter was my favorite. (So that’s like everything…..)According to the research I’ve done now, and I’m pretty sure common knowledge at this point-sugar is very bad for you. And when you mix sugar with fat, you’ve got yourself a problem. I have never been one of “those” people who take a bite of a cookie and say “Oh that’s good enough for me, that’s too much” You people disgust me…(but I only say that because I’m jealous that I can’t, I don’t know if I was born with that gene) That mixed with this cool new thing we had called cable tv and I was on my way to fat town. I hung out on the outskirts of fat town for a while-until I made it to high school. There, you’re forced to mingle with people who seem to have come out of the womb beautiful, thin and had tons of friends and were just so happy!!! (I really hope some of them peaked in high school….just sayin’) I myself, was so shy I could barely speak without stuttering, felt awkward all the time and was just generally miserable. When you’re 15, things in your mind are just sooo much worse than they really are and I thought if I had a cool, edgy hairdo I’d feel better (I love 15 year old logic…) I wanted a haircut like Monica from Friends, and the lady at the mall essentially gave me a bowl cut. Did I look like Monica? No I did not; I looked like a Backstreet Boy……

Does this look like a hairstyle a 15 year old girl would like? NO!

Then, my parents divorced and I was crushed. Why yes I would like to swim in that bucket of ice cream thank you very much. What’s that fat town? You’ve accepted my application and I’m a full citizen now? Hooray!!

I struggled off and on for the next 10-15 years. When I was happy I’d celebrate with junk food, when I was sad I’d soothe myself with junk food. Just a vicious cycle of one trend and then another. You feel bad for eating that way and then you eat some more to feel better and then you feel bad again. I’m not sure how many “I’ll start on Monday’s” I had, but it was a lot. I remember one particularly bad time after I swore NO MORE JUNK, I went grocery shopping and I came across some brownies. They looked so good and I fought with myself so hard to not get them, but in the end I gave in. “I’ll just have one” (remember I don’t have that gene) and then “well one more” and then it was “Hmm, if I eat them ALL now, then they won’t be here to tempt me anymore” My dad came home to his daughter with brownie all over her face crying “I can’t do it, I can’t”

It was a tough 10 years in a world where so much emphasis is placed on your outside. And of course if you don’t like your inside, how are you supposed to make it match your outside?  So I struggled on. I was living in Calgary in Feb of 2012 when I had my “moment”. Everyone who’s ever lost weight knows this moment. It’s where you finally look at yourself and say “I can’t do this to myself any more-I deserve so much better than this” My moment came on Feb 14, 2012. Valentine’s Day-I detest this holiday and it was shaping up to be yet another solo evening. My work bought everyone at the company 6 cupcakes from one of those places where they have fancy combinations and they’re so good and moist and YUMMY. I had one, then another…took a break, had a third, etc and then by the end of the day I realized (I’m sooo ashamed to admit this, but I swore I’d always be honest on here) that I’d eaten them all…….

I was absolutely disgusted with myself and how I’d let my feelings affect me physically so much. I had my “moment” and the next day I went into serious detox. I felt absolutely awful for the first three days as my body was being cleansed of sugar, refined carbs and all the crap I’d put in there.(My mother, who was visiting at the time can attest to how cranky I was) But then it got a bit better and better etc. I found that my “cravings” were only in my mind, not my body and that if I stayed busy and focused I could overcome them. I drank a LOT more coffee as a tradeoff but I figured that isn’t sooo bad. From Feb-Oct 2012 I lost around 40 pounds and 5 sizes. Yes I love to shop now and I can fit most anything in the store and I’m happy blah blah, but I’m more proud of the fact that I actually loved myself enough to let me be successful. It’s still a struggle some (a lot of) days. I think being a food addict is much like being an alcoholic or drug addict, with the exception that I actually have to have food to live. I give in to my temptations a lot more now that I’m at a stable weight but I try to do something to counteract as much as I can. And I think I have a pretty good balance!

Sorry fat town, I’m movin on….