Fate or Coincidence?...................

Sorry my usual weekly post took so long this time-I’ve been a touch distracted. But this week I’m wondering about the idea of “fate”? Do a series of events happen because they were supposed to or are they just the outcomes based on the individual choices of people?

The thing that got me started on this was a discussion with my boss about Hitler of all people. He gave me an article to read about Hitler’s crazy doctor. Apparently, Hitler was not a well man (duh) either physically or phycologically. He hired his “doctor” in 1936 and he was with Hitler up until his suicide in 1945. I won’t go into the long list of medications this doctor prescribed but just a few examples are: topical cocaine eye drops, injected amphetamines, testosterone and glucose. In addition, he was given a “tonic “made from gun cleaner which was composed of strychnine and atropine. So basically for 9 years or so he was being poisoned both in mind and body. That leaves sort of a chicken vs egg question. Was Hitler off his nut because of the medications prescribed-OR was he off his nut and requesting these things?

Either way of course, the acts he committed were horrible; but I kind of wonder if he’d had a better doctor what the outcome could have been? Was it fate that brought this doctor into his life to unwittingly bring down the dictator, or was it just a stupid coincidence?

Of course though, a person could probably drive themselves crazy if they thought about it long enough and started questioning every choice or thought, but generally speaking, I personally believe it’s a bit of both.

I think that there is a bit of “magic” or “fate” in some of the incredible stories you hear about narrow misses, chance meetings and things of that nature. Those little instincts that speak to you very quietly but so strongly and you just do things and you have no idea why. Someone will say “well why did you go there or do that” And you say “I have no idea-I just felt I had to” That’s what I believe fate is.  The “choice” part is whether you choose to listen or not.

 I also kind of wonder though, if it is “fate” and you choose not to listen, does it come around again eventually? Or do you just get the one shot? I hope not, because that seems kind of bleak….

The opposite, however, is also kind of bleak…..that all you have or don’t have in life happens due to some predetermination and you can’t control anything so you just sit back and do nothing.

That’s why I like to believe it’s both. I find it comforting to know that if I choose wrong the first time, I will get another opportunity in a different way. At the time it may be disappointing but deep down you know there is a reason why it did or didn’t happen, and it usually involves a better outcome than any other outcome you can possibly think of.

So learn to listen to what your instincts or fate tells you to, and be conscious of how you choose to react to it. I think it then becomes balanced and ultimately a good happy life!

That’s my two cents anyway

Thanks for stopping by!

Happy Birthday Grammy....I miss you!

Today is July 13^th. A typical Saturday for many people, but for my family it is the birthday of our matriarch and forever remembered Eileen Sophie Eleanor Weiers Mault. She would have been 81 years old today if the abhorred disease of cancer had not taken her away from us.

Eileen (or Grammy) as we kids called her was born in 1933 in Humboldt, Sask. to Fred and Gertrude Weiers and was the 10th of 12 children.

I don’t know much about her childhood-she never really talked about it with me or any of us kids for that matter as far as I know. So the focus of my post today will be the woman I knew in my lifetime. I apologize if the memories seem random, but things get a bit shuffled as the years go by.

Grammy was not your typical “do what you want” kind of Grandmother-she did let us get away with just enough though to make us feel like we were soooo smart. But she wasn't afraid to let us know that we may be acting in a way that was just not acceptable. I remember once when I filled my glass of juice right to the top and she told me that perhaps it might be selfish and a bit greedy to take so much, as well as wasteful if I spilled it.

That was the last time I ever did that-even now, at the age of 31, my glass is never completely full. I feel like if I did, it would be insulting to the lessons she taught me.

But she still had that grandmother instinct to spoil as well. I remember once when I wanted an ice cream cone and she went to scoop it with a spoon and I pitched a fit. She promptly went out and bought an ice cream scoop so I could have “round ice cream”.   OCD much?

She loved music and to dance if I recall correctly. At our family cabin, we often had little parties with lots of music…and wine….and Grammy was always so happy and dancing around.

She and my Grandpa had 5 kids, and there are 11 of us grandchildren and yet there was room at the dining room table on Sundays for all of us. We lived about an hour or so away so we’d often come down for a weekend visit. For me it was just a given waking up on Sunday morning that at some point in the day the rest of the family would drift over... I’m an only child so it was a lot of fun for me to get to play with my cousins.

I loved to make her laugh and quite often did so unintentionally….for example….

My cousin and I used to play in the basement and one day we decided it would be a super smart idea to be like our moms and boil a kettle so we can drink hot water. So we found this old kettle, filled it up and plugged it in. As it happens, we were not smart enough to place the kettle near the plug in, instead choosing to string it across the doorway with the cord hanging down….

I remember thinking Ok Court, be careful, you don’t want to get burned. But I’m not sure if my cousin (who is the most accident prone girl I know) was as paranoid as I.

As a result-she tripped on the cord and the boiling water poured on her foot. It must have really hurt judging by the scream she let out. I raced upstairs and said “Grammy Grammy, Crys burned herself” She said “well whatever you do don’t let her take her sock off”….so I ran back downstairs…OOPS too late…now there are bits of sock fuzz in her burn…

Grammy gets downstairs, checks it out, and it wasn't as serious as we thought so she took Crys to emergency.

When they returned I remember Grammy looking sternly at me and saying “Courtney Lynn, you are the oldest, why didn't you watch her?”

To which I replied “But I did, I watched her trip over the cord and I watched it spill on her foot”

Grammy tried to hold it in, but she couldn't-she smiled and laughed at me and gave me a hug. No matter what you did or how you were feeling, a hug from Grammy was always safe and welcoming.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer sometime in the 90’s but successfully went into remission. We were scared but confident in the end it was over.

Just after Christmas a few years later, was when she told us it was back. I remember thinking it was awful, but it would be as easy to beat as last time.

Unfortunately I was wrong-due to some medical complications-they were unable to control it and it spread throughout her-ravaging the body of a once robust and vibrant woman.

She was so thin-and weak and fragile and had to wheel around with her oxygen. And although she didn't look like Grammy anymore, she still retained her sense of humor.

She once told us girls ,who are a  little hip heavy that “If she’d been thin to start with she’d be dead and cancer was the best diet ever” We also went out for lunch once and a wasp was in the car and it stung me right under the arm. Hurt like a son of a b. But instead of babying me, Grammy said “Well better you than me….”

I believe she refused medical marijuana since it didn't come in black licorice flavor and she wouldn't have been able to smoke it- so she and my mom came up with a plan to bake it into brownies and she could eat those with her shake drink supplements. 

In the end though, they decided that wouldn't be a very good idea since Grandpa liked to ‘snack’ at night.  

The thought of my Grandpa eating ‘special’ brownies and imagining what that would be like would send my mom and Grandma into waves of laughter anytime someone mentioned brownies.

For the most part, we all tried to carry on as normal-but I could see it was beginning to take its toll on my mom. She was the one who took Grammy to all her appointments and knowing how much my own mother means to me, can imagine it must have been extremely difficult for her.

It was August 4, 2001 when I got the call. The rest of the family had gone to the lake and I stayed home. I was napping when one of my Uncles phoned me and told me that Grammy had gone into a coma.

The family was called and everyone met at the hospital where we just sat with her and remembered all the good times. I tried my best, but it was just too hard for me to be there and I didn't want to remember her that way, so I wasn't there that long. Instead, I ran errands for my Grandpa and hid away as much as I could. Sometimes I regret my decision and think that I should have stayed but I know she knows I have always been extremely sensitive about stuff like that, and wouldn't hold it against me.

She of course, in typical Grammy style waited until everyone could be there from wherever they had to travel, and with her last breath on August 5, she left us.

As sad as it was, and still is (I’m actually having quite a difficult time writing this-I've got my tissues nearby) I know that she is still around making sure we are all OK. Sometimes I can smell her perfume for no reason and when I’m feeling low and sad I can feel her arms around me; comforting me, like only a grandmother can. Even as I sit and write this I can feel her near me making sure I remember what I need to. I know she’s seen birthdays and weddings and I’m pretty sure she’s waiting for those great grandchildren to be born (Anytime now guys…..).

She is gone only in body. She will always live on in spirit-and in us!

Happy Birthday Grammy-Hope you’re having one hell of a party up there!

XXOO Courtney

Eileen Mault 1933-2001

Mommie Dearest…..

So I normally try to upload my weekly post on Wednesday or Thursday but this one is a little late because my mom was visiting me for a week. I couldn't think of a topic this week until my mom left and then it hit me-I’ll write about my mommy!

I have written about her before- on our last vacation together in April. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't short with her or found that everything she did annoyed me. I thought maybe it was because I was coming out of a funk I’d been in for a very long time. That was partially true, but I also think a large part of it is that I’m just a grown up now.

My mom lives in a different city than I so I don’t get to see her all that often, although we talk quite a bit. She came to visit last Friday and we were both unsure how it would go if she stayed a whole week. A weekend is usually OK but a whole week seemed like an interesting challenge……

Much to both her and my surprise, it was a really great week! We went on a boat ride down the river, went to see some nature exhibits, and had a great time shopping and just catching up. It really felt like our relationship had changed for the better.

I’m not exactly sure when the “shift” happened, but I don’t think it was a defined moment-it seemed like a gradual change that happened over a number of years that sort of reached a high point not that long ago. I really hope it continues because truthfully it’s been a long road.

I am an only child and as such, was somewhat overprotected when I was a kid, to which my mother will agree to. I know that she and my dad did it out of love because they were grateful to have me after some bumps in the road. However, we do agree that it has caused me to be somewhat “behind” when it comes to trying new things and not being a big ol’ fraidy cat. But even though I may consistently be a little late to the party, I do eventually get there.

My mom stayed home with me when I was growing up, and I think even though we were together ALL THE TIME, in the end it’s benefited me greatly, and we are both grateful that we were able to have that opportunity, when so many other mothers and daughters don’t. She taught me the alphabet and a few basic things before I started school, and I’m not sure how many other 5 year olds get to act out Shakespeare and Tennyson. It was just a regular fun day with mommy for me.

We did not always get along, in fact I believe when I was around 10 or 11 I consistently referred to her as “ the Ogre” (sorry mom) in my diary entries. We always argued about how late I could sleep in, daily chores, whether or not I could nap, what I wore, what I ate, and so many other things that are par for the course in the lives of mothers and daughters.

This did not improve as I entered the teen years. I will skip over that part as now that I’m an adult, I can admit that about 98% of it was my fault-I don’t know what goes on in the minds and bodies of teens, but I’m so grateful it’s over. It’s like being taken over by an alien.

My 20’s were off and on, periods of time where we were on the same page and a lot of the time where we weren't. I was very unsettled, always on the move, changing jobs, cities, homes, and spending money that I shouldn't have been. Mom has always been routine oriented and doesn't deal all that well with change so I’m sure the fact that I was so different from her, must have grated on her nerves. But no matter how many times I messed up, convinced myself that I knew best and did what I wanted even though I asked for her advice, she was always there in the end to say “OK, you messed up, now let’s fix it”

I fell down a lot-mostly because of choices I made and actions I took. And don’t get me wrong, mom was annoyed and angry with a lot of the things I did, but, she was always there in the end to pick me back up.

She’s fiercely protective of me-and now that I’m older, I feel the same about her. It’s been a long journey for both of us, and it’s not been easy but I’m so happy with the relationship that we have now. She’s still my mother of course, but she’s now also my friend. This is not to say we will never be annoyed with each other or argue and disagree, but I think now that our relationship has changed for the better, we can listen to each other’s viewpoints with compassion and an open mind.

So I will close by saying Thank You for everything mommy-and I love you!