What’s your idea of Heaven?

It’s an interesting question I think. I recently started thinking about it when I overheard someone say “such and such is my idea of heaven”

With my religious upbringing, I was always taught to believe and I guess still do that there is a place where your soul goes after you die. When I was a kid in Sunday school, it was made out to be a place with huge golden gates, fluffy clouds and happy little cherub angels flying around.

But what if you don’t like fluffy clouds? And I personally do not care for gold. Does this mean then I will not enjoy heaven? There are a lot of people on this Earth,is there truly a one size fits all place where we all will end up?

If /When (and I only say if so as to try not to offend anyone) God did in fact create the Earth, that’s a pretty intricate thing. Why then would he cheap out and allow the afterlife to be boring, monotone and the same experience for all? Everyone has different experiences while on Earth, surely the place where we spend eternity could be to our specifications?

I know personally I’ve been through some very tough and challenging times (as have countless others) and I’m sorry, but if I get to the pearly gates and there is nothing but clouds I’m going to be super pi$$ed off.

So, I started thinking-if I could customize my own heaven, what would it be?

Well, obviously it would have things that I enjoy:

Cats-duh! hundreds and hundreds of cats!!! Except in heaven there is no litterbox to clean. Yuck. Or shedding hair….

Dogs- sure, but not as many cause I’m uncomfy with all the slobber. Although I guess technically I could just have that removed….ok sure lots of doggies too!

Music- There would have to be music playing pretty much 24/7. And good music too! None of this Psy, Rebecca Black, youtube crap that’s out there now.  Perhaps live music with all the fantastic musicians who have passed on (providing they make it there….)

Dancing-to go along with the music. I luv to bust me a move when I’m all alone….I’m particularly proficient at any car/chair dancing.

FOOD-OMG this is the best one!!! I would be able to eat ANYTHING I wanted and not turn into a two ton Tessie. “Hey Court, would you like a donut for breakfast?”” Why yes I would thank you. And you can just set that pan of Brownies right over here…….” I’m sure I’d probably get sick of it occasionally, but since I’m in heaven I’d just reset!

I think finally, I would choose the ability to be able to master anything I wanted. For example….I would like to be able to sing. And since I’m dead and in heaven, it will be the most beautiful sound anyone has ever heard! In reality, I really do like to sing, and in my brain I’m fan freaking tastic! In reality though, I sound like someone has shoved a bird in a blender and hit the puree switch. So I keep it to myself.

Another thing would be a musical instrument that I would bypass the practicing and just be super awesome at….as you can guess, this stems from the fact that I’m currently taking guitar lessons and I’m not going to lie guys- it’s not going super well………..I’m going to venture a guess though and assume it’s because I’m terrible at practicing. See above wish to not have to do that…..

But lucky for me, Guitar Hero is very patient, and hopefully not sick of me because I’m going to have to take lessons for the next 10 years……I’m hoping in 2 I’ll be able to actually play a song…..

I’m sure there’s other things I’m forgetting but since it’s customized, I’ll just add them in as I go along- because it’s my heaven!

I’d be curious to know if anyone else has thought about this and what your idea would be. Drop a comment if you’d like!

Thanks for stopping by……

The Sun WILL come out tomorrow…..

So say goodbye to S.A.D (at least for 3-4 months). It’s something that we as Canadians look forward to every year. When that last little bit of snow has finally melted, the wind has a little less of a bite, and the sun feels so warm on your face. At that point, it’s usually safe to assume summer is at least on its way! (We’ve been fooled before so I’d say it’s a cautious optimism but we still have hope every year!)

I was born in the summer and I feel my happiest when the sun is beating down on me (as long as I have a cool place to escape to) The sun doesn’t always feel the same about me however, as I’m reminded of an outdoor concert in 1999, when I got sunstroke in the mosh pit and it was just not a pretty scene.

But anyway, getting back on topic- I do love summer and the sun (who else goes to Phoenix on vacation in the middle of July?) and here are some of my favorite things about it:

1)      Summer dresses and high heels.

This is my absolute favorite summer outfit! It keeps you cool, while looking feminine at the same time. I didn’t always love dresses; but YOU try wearing a dress when you’re overweight and under the constant strain of thighs rubbing together threatening to burst into flame at any moment.  I also hated them when I was a kid, but I lived on a farm and I was a tomboy.

Anyway, as amazing as dresses are, they really need to go with a high heel. I’m not talking stilettos-nobody wants to see you hobbling around like a little baby deer learning how to walk. Just nice sensible heels that complement the dress and make your legs look miles long! I say yes please!

2)      The sun itself.

As I said before, I am happy when the sun is hitting my face and I’m soaking in the Vitamin D. I feel so much better when I’m tan, and I used to tan a lot, but now that I’m getting older, I’m toning it down a bit, so I don’t look like a leather handbag when I’m 40.

Like this lady here: 

3)      My apartment is finally warm!

Since I suffer from lack of circulation in the winter, my apartment and I are always cold. And quite frankly I’m too cheap to turn the heat up……

4)      I feel like my tattoos can breathe!

Pretty much all my tattoos are on my back (have be sensible for work) so they never get to come out and see the light of day! I was lucky enough to have some really talented artists work on them and they deserve to be seen!  And for those of you wondering, I have 6 and they’re not little girly flowers and $hit- I have a Phoenix on my left shoulder and two dragons on my lower back (well about half my back really) and some other stuff.

5)      Camping, biking, swimming, hiking and all the activities you can do in the summer!
I didn't say I actually do these activities, but I could....

6)      It’s light out much later so you don’t feel like your day is over when you come home from work.

7)      Iced coffee and yummy lemonade!

8)      Drinks on the patio!! Nothing like a beer on the patio on a hot summer day. I myself have a lovely balcony that has absolutely no furniture so I’m forced to sit on a towel on the ground but oh well-there’s always the option of a pub!

Of course with the good, there’s always a little bit of bad…..here are my least favorite things about summer:

1)      You know it’s only temporary.

It’s a wonderful feeling May-Aug, but around September I start to feel like the dreaded winter is coming……

2)      My apartment is hot.

Yes I know this directly contradicts number 3 on my happy list. I’m a walking contradiction-deal with it.

3)      You have to work.

It’s hard for a sun worshipper to be stuck inside all day while you know it’s shining outside and you could be out there doing something

4)      Scantily clad sluts.

This one was a suggestion from my friend MF. She said, can you please mention how unpleasant it is to see a girls shorts crawling up her crotch? Nobody needs to see that…..

I’m all for self-expression, but when you knowingly go out with all your bits hanging out, you’re really just making yourself look bad, and looking for the wrong kind of attention.

I guess the bottom line is that the sun is not here for very long so we should all make the most of it while we can!

Happy Summer Everyone!!!!

Lollipops……………

And no I’m not talking about the candy.

I was sitting at home trying to think of something to write about this week and I was coming up with nothing! Nothing I could think of was sounding good, so I said well screw it for now, I’ll just watch tv.

So I scrolled through my PVR and I came across the Victoria’s Secret fashion show from November.

So I thought, ok, well this will kill an hour and I watched it.  It occurred to me as I was watching, that these women are supposed to be the crème de le crème of models, the ultimate aspiration of women, and fantasy of men. It also occurred to me; they all looked like plastic and kind of like 12 year old boys…… My family calls them lollipops because their heads are way bigger than their little tiny bodies.

Then I remembered seeing something on FB that someone posted about women having unrealistic expectations about the “knight in shining armor” and I totally agree; that is totally unrealistic BUT do they in turn, have the unrealistic expectation that we are supposed to look like VS models? If so, I really hate to burst your bubble, but the models don’t even look like the models.

Case in point, my girl Lily- I absolutely adore her, think she’s super gorgeous and seems down to Earth, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking she really looks like she does in the magazine.





  

As you can see, still a super pretty girl, but not near as plastic looking in real life- the fake tan, fake hair, tons of makeup, and clearly as you can tell from that met gallery photo, a HELLUVA lot of padding in the boobal area! That’s because (biology lesson approaching) boobies are made from FAT- if you do not have fat on your body, then you will not have boobies….you can pad them up or get something surgically implanted but they ain’t going to appear naturally unless you are some sort of freak of nature.

What’s even sadder is that to look like this, a lot of these girls have to do some pretty drastic things. Smoking and coffee and drugs to curb the appetite and my absolute favorite- cotton balls soaked in juice. Need that full feeling but hate the taste of regular cotton balls? Soak them in your favorite juice and you’d be amazed at the results! No wonder so many of today’s young women have horrible body image and low self-esteem. And it’s not just men; we do it to ourselves too.

It’s so sad to see that on the runway and in a lot of stores, the normal is to have women’s clothing with teeny tiny waists and hips and legs…designed by fashion designers who  “know a woman’s body” Are you serious? You, the tiny little men who like little boys design for women??? Give me a break.

And before you think “Oh she must be just a jealous fat chick” I assure you I am not. I’m actually on the lower end of the size scale, but since I have hips and a bum and a bit of a belly, l absolutely look and feel like a woman.

I watch what I eat, and I exercise (even though as I stated earlier I absolutely hate it!) There is no reason to go out of control and rebel against society’s view by stuffing your face with a pie….but don’t starve yourself to fit some unrealistic ideal either.

And ladies-If you find yourself with a man that prefers the little boy look, that really says more about him than you doesn’t it ;)



One of these models was not born a woman...betcha can't guess which one????



Conversations with the crazy cat lady…..

This is for Uncle T!! I would only humiliate myself like this for you!! :)

So, as I’ve said before, I’m a single gal, with 2 cats. I’m not sure why single females generally have cats as companions.  Perhaps as my mother says, cats are like little tiny women in fur coats….Perhaps it’s because they do their own thing, and only need you to provide basic necessities for them, and you don’t have to worry about them sticking their head in your crotch and slobbering all over your face.

I love all animals but I’ve been particularly fond of cats since I was a little girl. We always had them on the farm where I grew up, but when I was 10 my parents got me my very own special little girl to cuddle with and be my little baby. Her name was Tanya and she was a Siamese. Whoever said cats don’t have personalities is full of crap. It took a while to train Tanya to sleep in my room with me…she had that pesky nighttime wandering habit that lots of cats do. But after so many times of me going to fetch her and bring her back, she learned and stayed on the end of my bed and did so until she was 15 years old.

I started to notice that she wasn’t as spry as she used to, and would just curl up on the couch and sleep all day. I know there were several times where we thought she’d died, and dad and I did rock paper scissors to see which one of us had to poke her to see if she’d move. She always sat up and gave that Siamese baby like cry of “MEEEOWW” translation “F off, I’m trying to sleep you asshole”

Then she started having accidents in the hallway and I knew that it was time…..she even looked at me with her big blue eyes and I knew she was humiliated at what she’d done and was begging me to let her go…

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I made myself stay in the room until she was gone. Since I had such a big hole in my heart I tried to fill it with a new kitten that needed me that same day.

Milo was cute, but he was insane…..

After he shredded my legs and my face a few times I decided he needed to go.

As I was waiting to turn him in, a lady brought in a cage full of feral kittens she’d found. I couldn’t resist the little orange tabby one that came right up to the cage and was begging to be held. I picked her up and she snuggled right in. The lady suggested I tuck her under my shirt and take her home…I was reluctant at first but then the little baby won me over. I named her Molly. She was taken far too young from her mama, so that’s who I became. She even went so far as to climb up on me and suck on the collar of my shirt. She was pretty clingy for a cat, so I figured she needed a friend.

Back to the SPCA I went, and came home with Guinevere. I call her Gwynny for short.

Gwynny and Molly did not get along all that well at first but now they cuddle together and have lots of fun.

Molly is quiet, neat, hardly ever meows, eats her food properly, doesn’t pick on stuff and is generally the sweetest little girl.

Gwynny is a holy terror…..

She’s long haired so she leaves clumps of hair all over my house. I have solved this by pretty much scalping her, she looks like a gross rat, and has a look that only a mother could love, but at least there isn’t’ tumbleweeds of fluff floating around. She scratches, she’s messy, disruptive, a bit of a bully, and meows constantly.

It always looked like she was trying to tell me something, so I gave it a shot…

G: “MeEOW”

Me: “What’s a matter little girl, had a rough day?”

G “Meeeow”

Me: “You don’t say? Well maybe you should ask Molly nicely not to kick you in the face?”

G: “ Meoow, Meoww”

Me: “You did? Well what did she say?”

G: “Chirp chirp” (she chirps too)

Me: “Well what a bag, then what happened?”

G: “Meeeeooow”

Me: “Well I can’t help you; you’ll have to work it out for yourselves”

It was at this point, I had to stop because I realized I was actually enjoying the conversation……

Anyway, to summarize I guess, my girls are very different, and drive me insane in different ways. But at night when they cuddle up and start to purr, it’s very rewarding to know they’ve chosen me to look after them. Who needs human kids right??

I am happy with my two, but if I had room for more you bet your ass I’d get them!

Every day as I leave the house I say “Bye Gwynny, Bye Molly, Be good to each other and behave”, “Make good choices!”

Cause that’s totally normal….