So, stuff happens......

So I’m supposed to be writing my Org Behaviour paper but I got distracted by Facebook and then I realized I hadn’t written an entry in almost a year. That’s a long time for me to go without expressing my opinion on at least something J

A lot has happened in that year. London and I broke up around Christmastime. I tried the whole friends with your ex thing, but it just doesn’t seem to work. Too many hurt feelings and painful reminders. Soo, moving on…

Started a new job in January and it’s amazing what happens to your confidence and self-worth as an employee when you work with a supportive team who has your back and never makes you feel like the scuz on the bottom of a log. I tried for over two years at my previous job to show that I was a capable and even bright employee, but it seems nothing I tried was good enough. So after eroding my self-esteem to that of a paper napkin, I moved on and now I have a really good environment and career path. I’m even taking a few classes at the expense of my employer to really be able to grow in my role.

I took a step back after all this change and realized I had only been re-acting to things as they came my way, but never really looked at what did I really want or need. I spent over a year with London making sure that he was having a “good day” and not upset or pouting that I totally forgot about myself. But as it turns out when someone doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship and is too chicken shit to say so for over a year, there’s really nothing you can do to fix that.

I thought for a while the answer would be to find someone different, someone who would treat me like I should be treated. Like a person of value, whose ideas and opinions mean something. But I definitely chose the wrong platform to pursue that.

Went on more dates than I care to mention and found nothing but creeps and weirdos. Tinder is the devil. Decided to give my hard earned money to a dating website in hope of finding less creeps and weirdos, but turns out they have money too.

So I was just bobbing through life feeling quite lost when mom told me I should read “Women who run with the wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I remember seeing it in her bookshelf years ago and even tried to read it but it made no sense to me whatsoever. Mom said I wasn’t ready yet…okay whatever the hell that means.

She said I was ready now. So I think well why not-I could at least give it a try. OMG it was amazing, it was like all these jumbled words and metaphors and stories were in a different language but I could translate it. Things made sooo much sense. It was like it had been written specifically for me. Every story, every metaphor, and every archetype the book presented connected with me. And I felt a shift….

It’s not a book that will make 100% sense and you read it once and you say Okay I’m done now. No, it doesn’t work like that. Just like everything that is worth doing or obtaining, it requires work on your part and the work is constant. But once it becomes embedded in you, it should get easier and easier.

I know I’ll have to reread it many times and each time I will learn something that I didn’t notice before, but on this first go-around I’m already feeling more and more like I know I should be.

The first part of the book that stuck with me was as early as the introduction, and there is a passage in the book that I revisit often. In speaking about the Wild Woman archetype it’s important to note that when it says wild woman, it does not mean some crazy, unkempt, lunatic who runs around in the trees and doesn’t speak. Rather it refers to the part of women that is innate and is our basic nature and the part of our soul that just “knows things”

“Without her, women are without ears to hear her soultalk or to register the chiming of their own inner rhythms. Without her, women’s inner eyes are closed by some shadowy hand, and large parts of their day are spent in a semi-paralyzing ennui, or else wishful thinking. Without her, women lose the sureness of their soul footing. Without her, they forget why they’re here, they hold on when they would be best to hold out. Without her they take too much or too little or nothing at all. Without her they are silent when they are in fact on fire” (Estes, 1997)

It was kind of like a light bulb, aha moment, bucket of cold water and a shock to the gut all at once. I knew then that I had lost my wild woman and I was bloody well going to get her back.

To rebuild your intuition and instincts takes practice, and that’s what I’m currently working on. Once I master that, hopefully I won’t take that job that berates me or end up with that partner who doesn’t want to be one.

I can go back to dancing in the rain like I did when I was a kid.

Thanks for stopping by

Works Cited

Estes, C. P. (1997). Women who run with the wolves. New York: Ballantine Books.